You have an addiction.

It’s subtle and you may not realize it, but you most likely do. In fact, I will go so far as to say that your addiction is costing you more and more each month than you realize.

You will argue with me that you are not and that you can quit anytime you want. But you can’t!

And in this case it is really not your fault.

Our addiction came on so subtly that you never even realized it. In fact, I would expect that you have addicted your entire family. Worst yet is that your children, if you have them, may be far more addicted that you are and we are their pusher.

As I turned my simplification focus on to my finances I realized that one of the largest expenditures I have is our electronic footprint. Cable, internet, wireless; we are a totally connected family. And Holy Crap is it expensive!

Looking to decouple the few things that I could I began calling Verizon and AT&T to change up my plans and services.

I quickly found that my Electronic Crack Dealers were not so easily dissuaded. As I talked about removal of services they talked about ways to keep me and my family addicted.

I started off simply enough. We have four cell phones. Our home phone (“land line”) no longer serves a purpose unless it is to capture all of the voice mails from all of my telemarketing friends who want desperately to keep in touch.

So, I ring up Verizon and here is how it goes (after the ten minute computer voice prompt dance and ensuing digging for the bill to give them my account number, last balance, last movie watched, most recent tetanus shot, physical and my current mental state to confirm that I am … truly … the owner of the account);

“Umm, Yes, I would like to remove my home phone line from our account.”

“Yes, sir, let me check your account. Can you give me your account number?”

“I just did. That’s how I got you on the line. The electronic attendant is still removing the rubber gloves.”

“Ha, that’s funny.   However, I will need that account number.”

Sigh. Ok

“Thank you. Yes, I see from the number you are calling from you are the account holder.”

“Couldn’t you have checked that first?”

“Not without the account number, sir. Let’s see. Sorry our computers are slow due to the current holiday call volume.”

“Maybe you could free up some cycles by just giving the automated attendant the week off and looking up the account data once since you have to anyhow?”

“Yes, sir, that is a great suggestion … I will pass it along to my supervisor. Ok, so I see here you have bundled services with us. If I remove the home phone your cost will be the same. Do you really want to remove the home phone service? Cellular services can go out and how would you contact your loved ones if that service happened to be down?

“They all have cell phones and no home phones. I would just have to drive over to see them.”

“But surely you want the assurance of getting prompt medical care should something happen and your cellular services were down.”

“Wait, what? How are we at me needing medical care and my cell service being down?”

… was that a haunting chuckle on the other end of the line…

“Look, I just want to remove the home phone line. I don’t need it. I know it’s only like $30 a month, but that’s $30 I don’t have right now. Can we just do that and remove the charge?”

“Well, sir, if you keep the home phone services I can reduce your cost by $60 per month and you won’t have to worry about reaching the paramedics should something nasty happen. Surely you don’t want the family in that situation….”

“Why do you keep saying that?  What do you know that I don’t know about me needing medical services?”

“We here at Verizon are just concerned for your … well-being, sir.”

“Ok, forget about my well-being. I just want to drop the phone service. How much will that change my bill?”

“None.”

“Wait, what? So if I keep it you can drop my cost by $60 but if I remove it, it stays the same? How does that work?”

“It’s the bundled plan sir. It allows us to keep your cost down so you can keep all of your necessary services.”

“Look, this makes no sense. I have no need for the phone. You see, I am just trying to simplify my life and get rid of the stuff I don’t need … and I no longer need the home phone.”

“Simplification is a service we provide, sir. By keeping your bundled plan and keeping all of your cost together it simplifies your billing and allows you to get to those critical medical services we inevitability need in life.”

“You keep saying that and you are creeping me out! Look, let’s forget the medical services and just get back to finding a way for me to get that phone canceled and on down the road. Surely there is a way to reduce my cost by removing the phone.?”

“It’s the bundled plan sir. We make your life more … livable … by keeping you bundled.”

“Umm, I gotta go, goodby.”

At this point I had the feeling that I was talking to the Mafia and they had eyes on my house.

I had a similar discussion with the guy at the AT&T store when I tried to get my wife a new phone and reduce some of our cost. Effectively, by changing my plan to save $100 a month, it would cost me $125 in additional phone charges because I would lose the bundled cost discounts.

I am finding that we have been subversively addicted to our electronic services and due to bundling our addiction has created a debt situation with the local electronic loan-shark.

I am now looking into possible witness protection programs.